The Daytime Parody Chronicles, Chapter One
by Shawn Ashford
Summary: A harsh parody about what FF7 would have been like as a cheaply written and trashy soap opera. R/R and tell me what you think!


The Daytime Parody Chronicles by Shawn Ashford  
  
A parody that explains what FF7 would have been like as a soap opera. It's supposed to be a harsh parody on daytime tv, so r/r and tell me what you think of my comedy. It's written in playright form, so read the casting as well as the dialogue and stuff.  
  
CAST  
  
Tifa Lockheart as Marlena Sluttingham  
Cloud Strife as Todd Freehander  
Aeris Gainsborough as Princess Gina  
Vincent Valentine as Victor Nohetero  
Red XIII/Nanaki as Princess Gina's talking attack dog, Jack  
Barret Wallace as Stefano Lu Freebush  
Yuffie Kisaragi as Mimi McBoobity  
Cait Sith as the Mayor Edward Grabanpull  
Cid Highwind as Adam Smallski  
  
The first scene begins at a park in Riverside, where our soap takes place...ACTION!  
  
Marlena (Tifa): I am afraid I cannot date you any longer, Todd. The village's census proves that Barret is the father of 70% of the population, due to excessively large pimping factions.  
Todd (Cloud): So THAT explains the extra limbs! And the huge family reunions!  
Marlena: I don't think you're following me, Todd. I am basically breaking up with you, you burglarizing, self-indulged slut.  
Todd: Well that's pleasant, breaking that news on a beautiful day like this.  
Marlena throws a quick middle finger at Todd and stalks off to her home.  
  
  
Scene 2 takes place in Princess Gina's (Aeris's) home, when her step-daughter Mimi (Yuffie) walks in.  
  
Gina (Aeris): Mimi! How many times have I told you that tissues are not acceptable? It's either implants or nothing!   
Mimi (Yuffie): Well, as the school nurse always says, plastic makes perfect!  
Gina: I cannot believe you! Your father dies on us, and then Todd decided to marry AND divorce me, and then there's you, resorting to artificial cleavage!  
Mimi: Don't see much on you, Mom. Give it up. Either I'm a slut or a villainess. I can't decide which! And also, you only had a divorce about SEVENTEEN times! What does my cleavage matter to you?  
Gina sighs and dismisses her daughter with a rude hand gesture. Her 17 rings were safe, at least...  
  
Scene 3 takes place in the general hospital. Two patients are discussing their illnesses.  
  
Mayor (Cait Sith): Well, Victor, I'm here for a brain transplant. They say I'm not a good actor. Oh well.  
Victor (Cid): I am here for heart failure. They are giving me a 15% chance of living. However, since this is a soap opera, my chance of living just rose to about 99%. So how is the transplant coming?  
  
Mayor: They say it will be easy, since I do not have a brain in the first place.  
Victor ::confused:: Well then, how does that work?  
Mayor: Are you challenging my authority, Nohetero?!?!?!?  
A Nurse walks in and injects a pale blue liquid into the mayor.  
Nurse: The schizophrenia needs work, too.  
The nurse walks out, smiling behind at Victor.  
Victor looks slightly aghast, yet gets a grand idea. He could use this against the Mayor. But someone will have to screw up his plans, such as a totally stoned, whacked out Gina who has been brainwashed by Stefano and his martini mixers.  
  
The next scene focuses in on Stefano, Jack, and Adam.  
  
Jack (Nanaki): Why did you kidnap me, Stefano?  
Stefano (Barret): So I could get information off of you. Now tell me--what is the princess' EXACT cup size? Lying will not be tolerated.  
Jack: I honestly don't know. From looking so much, I'd say a solid C. But---  
Stefano: Silence! You will find out this information, or else I will brainwash you and make you steal artwork from Paris. You will also throw people off balconies as civilian punishment.  
  
Adam (Cid): Shit, Stefano! What's going on? Why are you holding up Jack? He's wanted by   
Gina! AND STOP THE MARTINIS!!!  
Stefano: And Gina is wanted by me, but we can't have everything we want! Leave, Adam. Unless you want to sample the newest from the Martini and Rossi line?  
Adam: No. Not until Jack is dismissed. Your blackmailing days are over!  
Adam pulls out a loaded handgun. Stefano matches this and pulls out his own pistol  
Jack: ::Sighing:: Not again. This happens every week.  
Jack sighs once again and leaves Stefano's mansion.  
Stefano threatens Adam once more, then the gunfire starts. Adam shoots, but misses. Stefano shoots Adam seven times in the chest. Stefano leaves, but of course, fifteen minutes later, Adam gets up and walks over to the general hospital.   
  
The scene fades over to the blackness, and the credits are shown. So much for episode one. R/R and tell me what you think!  



End file.
